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So Very Bad

I’m hopelessly behind the times when it comes to serious stuff like the fires at Eastern Market – and by the way, please consider helping out the vendors who lost their place of business, their second home and possibly their entire livelihood – and the Georgetown Public Library (you can donate to the DC Public Library Fund here to help rebuild the collection destroyed at Georgetown). I try to keep up with politics and current world events but other people are faster and usually more insightful and witty than I can be, and so my rants tend to be made to Ganesh (also known as the Pop Culture Elitist) after I’ve skimmed the Express while waiting for the metro. At least he thinks they’re cute.

[The following segment has been edited upon re-reading the next morning, when I was significantly less tired and fueled by several cups of tea.]

So, as far as the blogosphere is concerned, I’m a little out of touch but I do know a bad creature feature when I see it, having ingested far too many of them as part of my unbalanced TV diet, and I’m currently watching one of the very worst. Dear SciFi Channel, for giving the brilliance that is Battlestar Galactica a home you have earned my undying gratitude, admiration and an unlimited pass on the schlock you peddle but you are really pushing me to my limits with Lake Placid 2. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheesy, so-awful-they’re-good monster movies as much as the next person gorging on what cable TV has to offer, and I seldom pass up the opportunity to watch a creature feature (a fact I may have mentioned before somewhere). This however, is just too much. This is cheesier even than Cheeze Whiz and not in a good way either. This is so bad, it’s just really bad. This hurts to watch even while I’m somewhere else in the room, actively not watching, tuning in and out sporadically to what is going on in the TV area.

Sample dialogue: [In the attempt to catch the giant croc humanely, two people have died, so the Wildlife and Fish person is feeling guilty because it was her plan. The sheriff consoles her thusly] “Yes, they are dead. Chewed to bits by a giant beast. But the important thing is that we survive this.” Way to make her feel better man. This is horrible. Clearly you are trying to re-create Lake Placid, only you’ve sucked all the fun out if it and replaced the light-hearted self-aware cheesiness with labored clunky dialogue so unnatural it makes the fake crocodiles look realistic, and Betty White leading cows into the gaping maws of her pet crocodile with a deranged Chloris Leachman in pink slippers who looks like she’d rather be anywhere than this movie. Telegraphing forced jokes so feeble they expire on the actor’s tongue does not make something funny and dubbing in all the dialogue after filming, so that the speakers all sound completely divorced from what is happening on screen, is not the way to create tension and suspense. If you wanted wooden acting, flat line reading and stale stock characters, you should have, well, done what you did I guess because that is what you got. This movie is so bad it defies even its own mocking. Let’s hope June 9th’s Ice Spiders (tagline: They thought Melrose Place had vicious backbiting.) will redeem the awesomely cheesy creature feature.

Oh, who am I kidding?

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